On February - 16 - 2009
Ok, so now that Valentines day is over, I know everyone wants to hear about my day of romance and possibly even learn something useful. I am nothing if not educational. So let me tell you all about mine.
So I think we all know that Valentines day is a much bigger holiday to women then it is to men. We have accepted this years ago. I started receiving phones calls and text messages early in the morning asking about my plans. Anyone who knows me is well aware of my refusal to ever make plans. In fact, I think I was told no more then a dozen times how sad and pathetic it is to sit at home, alone, and possibly naked on the most romantic day of the year. That is ok with me. I have been called worse. So I did just that. Although, I will admit I wasn’t really naked. I was in pajama pants and a Prince shirt from 1998.
So while everyone was going out and being wined and dined, I was wining and dining the shit out of myself. I had prime rib, and vodka. This is just the start of it. So I get a phone call about 1:30, when the bars are letting out and it is a girl wanting me to “hang out”. After a little prodding, I agree. This is a girl I have never had sex with, so I may as well find out, right? So I do the classy thing and put on pants, a shirt and some deodorant. After all, I am a ladies man.
So I head over to her place. I have my vodka and Pepsi. I get there and she has White Castles waiting for me. How fucking sweet is that? We also get to watch Desperado. Ill admit, not a great movie, but Selma Hayek does show her huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge boobs in the movie.
Holy hell. Those make it all worth wild.
So of course this leads to having sex, multiple times. Of course, the breaks were filled with more booze and Marlboro Reds.
After a couple rounds of fucking, I head home about 5 am. So I get home and I have to wash the Duck Butter off. What is Duck Butter you say?
Let me educate you. Guys will know exactly what I am talking about….
When a guy has sex with a girl… The girl leaves her “sauce” on the penis. If the guy were to go to bed, or go on with his day without washing it off… It will create this film like layer on the penis. This film is what is known as “Duck Butter”. Just for the edification of the females, it is important to wash this off.
So I wash my coin purse and I continue to drink for the next 2 hours, while watching the first season of The Office, online.
So you still aren’t impressed with my day? Let me put it into a better light for you. While people were going out, making reservations, waiting for tables, spending money, and ultimately being disappointed at the end of the night. I literally fell face first into a new vagina, and was even rewarded with seeing Selma Hayeks boobs and dining on White Castles.
I was also able to do all of this with sitting around like a fat ass all night, then I got to finish the night in my own bed, sleeping like a retarded monkey. So to the rest of you who did the traditional thing. You re a bunch of silly bastards!
Oh yeah, the other thing to learn is…. HEY BLACK PEOPLE. IT IS “VALENTINES DAY” NOT VALENTIMES DAY”. Learn to pronounce the correct letters already.