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Things black like

Posted by Bastard On February - 13 - 2012
I know in my absence that you were all worried just how you were going to
learn about black people. Worry no more my friends.
There are several similarities between black people and white trash. We are
going to discuss one of those common practices today. You see,  both black
people and white trash really feel the need to advertise things they like.
While white trash people will do this.
 
In fact, that is hippy white trash which is among my least favorite of
people to have to endure.

Hippy trash loves to tell you about their views on abortion, war, and
politics. When they do that, they are betting that I will not light them on
fire.
Black people like to advertise but do it in a classier way. They airbrush
that shit.
 
Nothing says a Classy Gent like an “I love Wet Pussy” airbrushed t shirt.
I am just jealous that I never thought about this. I mean, I, myself happen
to enjoy a moist vagina but I never thought to advertise my affection for it. I
just assumed people took it for granted.
The real question is do I need to get a shirt for everything I like? Would
it be a faux pas to have a shirt that covered several bases at one time. Like
one that said “I love Wet Pussy And Pepsi, and Kittens And Rage Against the
Machine”? Would I have to pay by the letter or word?
Any way you look at it, that is one sweet fucking shirt.
Things black people do
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Sounds of Blackness

Posted by Bastard On December - 21 - 2011
So while doing some Christmas shopping, I came across this gem.
 
The Sounds of Blackness.
I can only assume this is a cd filled with people yelling in a movie theater.
Things black people do
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Q&A

Posted by Bastard On December - 5 - 2011
Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead just yet. I just have been neglecting doing some updates due to being rather busy lately. I have had an ass load of meetings and I usually relegate myself to no more then one activity in any given day. Whenever I have had a shitty day, there are a couple things that cheer me up. Either a good memory, or something a black person has done. Today I will combine them,
 
When I was 7 years old, my dad and I were listening to a baseball game on the radio. It was a big Cardinals/Mets game. Mookie Wilson came to the plate and like any innocent bright eyed 7 year old, I kindly asked my dad “What kind of name is Mookie?”…….. He looked at me, shrugged and said “That’s what niggers name their kids”. Ahhhhhh, childhood innocence.
 
 
 
 
It might have been crude, but years later I learned that he was correct.
Things black people do
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Drink? Drank? Drunk?

Posted by Bastard On October - 3 - 2011
I have been taking it easy on the black folks lately. That doesn’t mean that I have run out of things to make fun of them for. Come on, I will never run out of things to make fun of.
 
Anyone who knows black people will be up on their new trends. People who don’t know black people or are lucky enough to not live in the ghetto, can learn something here. I happen to be very up to date with the coloreds. I have infiltrated them, learned their ways, and bring them to you.
 
This new trend is often called dangerous. I call it hilarious. It is the trend of Purple Drank. That is not a typo. “Drank” is a the word they use. Really, who the fuck needs a drink or juice bitch? Don’t know what Purple Drank is? Well keep reading.
 
You can always gauge the type of area you are in by the drinks you see for sale. You see, black people don’t drink Pepsi or Coke. That is all white people. Black people love sweet fruit flavored beverages.
 
See, even Pepsi knows this. It isn’t a secret. Orange, Grape, Strawberry or as they say “Skrawberry”.
 
It doesn’t matter. The only big name beverage you will see black people drink is Sprite. I think that is like the champagne of sodas to black people. Like they break it out to celebrate things like getting paroled. The thing you need to take away from this is this…. If you are in a strange neighborhood and you stop to get gas. If you don’t see delicious Pepsi but instead see this
 
Get the fuck out of there because you’re about to be raped.
 
Now Purple Drank is not your run of the mill black people fruit flavored beverage. We all know how they love them. In fact, black people love things with really high sugar content. That could explain why they are easily excitable. The recipe is as follows,
Cough syrup with Codeine
Sprite (Told you so!)
Crushed up Jolly Ranchers
 
That’s it! Pretty simple and it sounds disgusting. Have you ever had cough syrup with codeine?  Yeah, it is fucking horrible. It is like taking down horse semen. It is thick and kind of chunky. They try to give it a non disgusting flavor, but that only makes it worse. So you take that and then mix it with sprite? Is it just me or would vodka be a much better mixture here? I don’t want to hear any candy asses complain about mixing codeine with booze. I have been doing it for years.
*Disclaimer-Even though I have been doing it for years, it shouldn’t be done by a rookie. This has caused me to make out with some heavily tattooed stripper at 6 A.M on a fucking Tuesday. So it should be done in the privacy of your own home.
 
 
Jolly Ranchers! Really? Nothing I love more then to take a big drink of my tasty cough medicine based beverage and having a fucking rock of apple flavored shit lodge in my throat. What are you 7 fucking years old? You need to sack up and quit being a fag.
 
 
Usually I am the first one to support any persons vice or vices. My whole goal in life is to bring levels of debauchery that have never before been imagined. But you need to act like a man when you do it. Sure, we all like sweet booze when we are 15 but then we grow up and drink the shit the way it is meant to be.
 
Black people, you used to be respected. Not really but lets say you were. You can smoke crack, I have never smoked crack nor would I, but crack has to be a little more harsh then a Camel Wide. So I am impressed. When you take your codeine, take it with a bottle of cheap whiskey and have fun. Come on black people, you have rich white housewives that can take prescription pain killers. They are making you all look like bitches. There isn’t even that much codeine in that cough syrup.
 
To make amends to all of the black people. Here, let my buy you a round. You have to supply your own Sprite and Jolly Ranchers though.
Things black people do
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Black Lash

Posted by Bastard On August - 30 - 2011
It is going to be a slow week for me due to numerous doctors appointments and the fact that I will be drugged up pretty heavily for the next several days. I couldn’t just lay here in a Oxycotin fueled coma and not let you in on my life.
 
I am not just a lone bastard walking the earth. There are numerous people just like me. An all bastard army. One of those bastards happens to be White Jesus. He does things that I couldn’t possibly due. Mostly because I don’t have magical Jesus powers. Such as, when I was receiving too much spam mail, White Jesus hooked me up with a fancy new spam filter. I paid him in the only way I know how……. A post of nothing but Volleyball Asses! Well, It looks like I owe him again.
 
Do you remember the angry blacky that e mailed me last week with her eloquent use of words and no punctuation? Well, White Jesus tracked her down. Now we can finally see the face of my enemy. Are you ready for this?
Meet Terrina Thomas.
 
You should feel thankful that this is just a screen grab so you dont have to listen to her god awful music.
 
Myspace has become like a nice working class neighborhood. A couple black people moved in and now it is all ghetto.
 
Now this one is my favorite. White Jesus found her dating site profile.
 
Now lets sit in judgement of her dating site, because that is pretty much what I do.
-I suggest when selecting a picture for your dating site, get off your cell phone and put the food down. We can see you are a fatty, no need to drive the point home.
-Body type “Average” Seriously? What world do you live in when being obese is considered “average”?
-Liberal. Imagine that, a black person who is liberal. I am sure she could have left that part blank.
-High school- Hey, it never said highest level completed.
Job- Customer Service- I think she displayed by her excellent grasp at the English language that she is best suited working with the public.
Smoke- Occasionally- I assume this means black and mild’s.
Has kids- Yes, living with me. Now let me refer you to the top where she states that she is 18.
 
Now lets read what she lists as her personality. I have no idea what she thought this question meant, but she clearly failed the test. However, she does seem ready to party and I think that means that she will have sex with you if you supply prickle(Yes, they say Prickles) flavored Pringles and strawberry soda.
 
Some of you might be asking yourself why I publicly mock this obviously mentally retarded person. Easy. If you want to pick a fight with me or my army of bastards, this is the shit that will happen to you.
 
Now, as promised to White Jesus for his hard work. More Volleyball asses.
Things black people do
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Black mail

Posted by Bastard On August - 21 - 2011
I have become accustomed to receiving entertaining angry e-mails from illiterate fucks. This quaint little letter is from a lady who did not appreciate me making fun of black women’s nails. I am going to include her e-mail address just in case you want to engage her in an intellectual debate. Oh yeah, she is from Alabama too.
 
Author : Terria (IP: 74.190.23.212 , adsl-74-190-23-212.asm.bellsouth.net)
E-mail : ttl_thomas@yahoo.com
Comment:
its very clear that you is white && for you to try && put black people down like this clearly you have a life if you want to talk about somebody lets talk about white folks yo kind lets talk about how nasty && stank yall be lets talk about how yall hate on black people && please dnt let me forget let talk about how yall wnt to black so damn bad
ha
lets talk!

My response is……
 
 
Terria,
 
Sadly, that probably is your real name when it sounds more like an STD.
Do you honestly expect me to take you seriously? It is great that you type in the same nonsense language that you most likely talk in. Except I am sure you talk much louder because lets face it, you dark people love to be loud. I will simply write your stupidity off to you being poor and living in Alabama.
As far as your comment goes.
 
Hahahahahaha. What tipped you off about me being white?
Was it my coherent sentence structure? Was it the fact that I made fun of black people for being ghetto? Or was it the fact that I own a computer, which we know black people use the ones at the “Lie Berry”?
 
If you get that pissy about me making fun of black peoples nails, then you should take the time to read through the other ridiculous things I make fun of you people for. Spoiler alert- I get much meaner with my observations. And they are all true! You will love it.
 
I am liquored up and in a good mood so lets play your game about white people.
 
You said “Lets talk about how nasty stank yall be”
This could very well be the greatest sentence ever, but lets focus on the point. I do believe the “stank” you are referring to is the smell of clean. I know that it isn’t a known concept in the ghetto, but things can be cleaned. Including people. White people shower, shave and wear deodorant. We don’t try to disguise our smell with a gallon of designer imposter cologne and massive amounts of coco butter. Want to take a guess at who does do that?
 
Have you ever noticed that when you go into black neighborhoods, everything is destroyed and smells a lot like pee? Please point out one nice all black area. Yeah, I didn’t think you could pull one of those out of your ass. So you must be right about “yall stank”.
 
We don’t hate black people. That is a popular misconception. We simply don’t care about them. They are irrelevant to our lives. They are kind of like traffic. You have to deal with them sometimes but you make sure to spend as little time around them as possible, But then again, traffic wont rape you. Its pretty sad when you bring so little to the table that we simply just pretend you don’t exist. You must be very proud.
 
Who really wants to be black? Have you noticed that white kids who want to be losers act black and black people who want to be a success act white? Lets look at the kids who act black. They were dorky kids that you embrace. We shun them. White people look down on losers and black people seem to hold them up as heroes. Sad commentary on your people. Want some of our fat white girls too? Take them and shut up.
 
Another thing lets point out one more thing about white people. We have a sense of humor. It isn’t any mystery why nobody pays attention to black comedians. They cant take a joke. White people laugh at things and black people stab things. You proved my point by not getting the humor behind this. Also, didn’t you make Tyler Perry a billionaire for his fucking Madea movies? For that, your rights to chime in about comedy is forever revoked.
Things black people do
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Rappers Delight

Posted by Bastard On August - 8 - 2011
 

I am here today to teach you what it takes to write a hit rap song. I know what you are thinking. The whitest man in the world is going to teach me about rap? Yes. Even though the closest I get to rap is Rage against the Machine. The greatest band ever. I still have learned quite a bit about rap due to my working with white suburban kids who think they are ghetto black kids.
 
There are a few keys to writing a hit rap song.
 
First and foremost, you need a name. The name is very easy. All you do is use the word “Lil” and then add some famous mobsters name. Sure you have nothing in common with these legendary mafia men, but then again, you don’t have to know who these people are anyways.
 
 
So we have your name. Something like Lil Capone or Lil Gotti. Now we just need a beat to lay down. It used to be that you needed to at least know someone with musical abilities to do this for you but not anymore. Any asshole with a laptop and Lime Wire can find you a song. You don’t even need to have a decent voice. We have auto tune to take care of that for you. A sure fire way to know that your song will be a hit is to take a song that was already a hit. Usually it is best to pick a song from the 80′s. This doesn’t compromise your artistic integrity because you wouldn’t know what those words mean. Also, you are not stealing the song as much as you are “sampling” the music and chorus. Here are a couple hits you might remember.
 
Bone Thugs N Harmony samples Phil Collins – Home
Ghetto Superstar samples Kenny Rogers – Islands in the Stream
Ice Ice Baby - samples David Bowie & Queen – “Under Pressure”
Will Smith “Men In Black” samples Patrice Rushen “Forget Me Nots”
Kanye West – “Good Life” (Michael Jackson’s “PYT”)
Flo Rida – “Right Round” (Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round”)
Diddy – “I’ll Be Missing You” (The Police’s “Every Breath You Take”)
Eminem-Toy Solders Sample from Martika.
M.C Hammer- Hammer time- Sampled Rick James Super Freak
 
I could continue on and on, but you get the point. Puff Daddy actually did this with every song he ever touched and he seemed to do pretty well with that.
 
So we have the beat that we want for our songs and we even have the “borrowed” chorus. Now we need to add our own lyrics like a game of mad libs filled out by a retarded child.
 
It used to be rap had to rhyme. That is not the case anymore. Not only do they not have to rhyme, but they rarely need to make any sort of sense. For instance.
-Chingy- I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian,Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian.”
 
-Kayne West- “I live by two words: ‘fuck you, pay me’”
 
-Lil Wayne- I love my niggas, no homoThat’s why I hope they all get cheese like DiGiorno.
 
-Young Jezzy- Mafia, Mafia bitch I’m in the mafiaHolla at ya boy, yeah I can do a lot fo yaSpeakin my language if you talkin bout tilapia

 
-Lil Wayne- Drop it down low n bring it back up to my intersection. I wanna feel ya inner section penetrate my innersection.
 
With lyrics like this, I couldn’t imagine anyone not being able to be successful.
 
 
Also, there are some good tricks for writing lyrics though. Take an item of food and compare it to a part of a female body.  There are numerous examples of this.
 
Ludacris- Blueberry yum yums. Metaphor- Ew, I think he is talking about the purplish nature of a black womans snatch.
 
Timberland- Carry out   The Metaphor- His bitches body
 
Little Wayne- Lollipop- this is actually about him and not her. Which might I add would be the worst tasting lollipop of all time.
 
LL Cool J- Pink Cookies in a plastic bag getting crushed by buildings. I shit you not that this is a real song and that is the complete title.. I think he is referring to his penis as a building and the pink cookies being a vagina. I would say the plastic bag metaphor would be a condom but black guys don’t wear condoms.
 

 

Admit it, you thought I was kidding. It is a real fucking song.
 
 
Dj Webstar-Chicken Noodle Soup. Nobody really knows what the hell this song is about. It even had a really gay dance to go along with it.
 
D4L- Laffy Taffy- I guess they are saying that your ass resembles Laffy Taffy, which I would say is not a compliment.
 
69 Boyz- Tootsee Roll. I don’t think I need to tell you what this is in reference to. Either way it is very gross and I refuse to ever eat a tootsie roll.
 
Ok, so we have a beat, and we have a game plan for the lyrics. Now we just have to come close to rhyming them. If you cant find a word to rhyme then there is a simple solution. You make up your own word. Snoop Dogg would suggest adding “izzle” to the end of any word. Also, don’t be afraid to use the same word two or three times. Sure, we all learned in second grade that you cant do that, but as we all know, black people don’t pay attention to silly rules. It is also important to slur words enough to where we have no idea what you are actually saying. Isn’t that right D.M.X?
 
Whatever you do, do not put a lot of thought into the lyrics. We don’t want it to make sense or have a story line to them. That isn’t what rap is about.We all know that redundant or just plain stupid lyrics will help your cd sales. 
 
I have long suggested that every black person is an aspiring rapper. Hell, so are a lot of white people. Why wouldn’t they want to be? Master P proved that you don’t need to be talented to make hundreds of millions of dollars. If that isn’t enough, he gave us that obnoxious retard Romeo.
 Romeo proves that no matter how little talent that your dad had, you can have even less talent and somehow become a success in this country.
 
Now I have given you all of the tools to be the most successful rapper in history. I expect you to send me signed copies of your first hit “Chicken Fried Vagina”. One last thing you need to learn is this. You are expected to be a one hit wonder type. People should generally forget about you within a couple of years until you make your come back on a TBS show.
 
One last thing. Under no circumstances should you use your money wisely. If you made 2 million dollars, you are expected to buy at least a 20 million dollar house and carry a million dollars in gaudy jewelry at all times.
 Now get out there and start your big rap careers but remember who taught you everything you know.
 
Things black people do
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Budget Balling

Posted by Bastard On July - 17 - 2011
This week in Things Black People Do is…..
 
 
Hey, welfare checks don’t come every week. The gubment can buy your lobsters so you can buy more
Things black people do
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Hurr

Posted by Bastard On July - 4 - 2011
I haven’t updated the things that black people do lately not because I am out of interesting things that black people do but more out of laziness. I guess it is kind of ironic that laziness keeps me from making fun of black people.
 
Black people are known for not having the best hair but they do earn bonus points for their effort to liven up their heads.
 
 
Some of us just think of hair as an accessory. Not a black person. A black persons hair is very similar to a white trash mans truck. They use it to tell you what they like.
 
I always listen to the guy that is willing to shave his political beliefs into his head.
It is not just about beliefs. It can just be something you kind of like.
You like Skittles? No way! I like Skittles. Thank god you advertised it in such an effective way.
How else is one to know that you like Kool Aid if you don’t properly display it on the back of your head?
 
This is actually pretty genius. You never know when there might be a natural disaster and you will be thankful that you have food in your hair. I wouldn’t personally do this because I don’t want to attract bugs to my head, and I don’t want hair in my food. But that is just me.
How do you keep people from messing with you while you are trying to buy your family healthy T.V dinners? If you are black all you have to do is let people know that you are not to be messed with. This is a sure fire way to let people know that you will not be taking any shit.
If you were lucky like myself and attended a predominately black school, you get to learn many interesting facts about black people. Like no black woman has real hair. Not only do they spend thousands of dollars on fake hair, they will even trade hair with other people. Like some sort of prison currency.
Every black girl has a weave and they get really angry if you insinuate at all that their hair is not really theirs. You by no means are ever allowed to touch it. They will stab you. However, weaves tend to fall out. Seriously, like all over the place.
 
You cant walk through any bad neighborhood without seeing random chunks of hair on street corners.
 
When they buy weaves they often buy blonde hair. I cant really blame them because everyone loves a blonde. However, they like tot tell you that they are naturally blonde, when come on, we all know they aren’t. I am not sure if this is a guy or girl but the hair looks totally natural.
 
I don’t know about you but I have to assume that this woman uses cum to make her hair stand up like this. The sad thing is, this is considered classy in the ghetto. Yeah, they don’t know what the word classy means. This is not an everyday hair style. This hair style should only be worn for special occasions. You know like going to court.
 
I cant even add commentary to this one because I honestly don’t know what the fuck this is. I have stared at this picture for hours and I cant figure it out.
A problem I always seem to have is I want to show people how wealthy I am but in a very subtle way. Some of the ghetto ways of showing how rich you are would be to drive a late 80′s Mercedes with 24 inch rims. Another way would be to wear a ridiculous amount of jewelry all at one time. If that doesn’t work, I suggest you put your money on display for everyone to see.
 
 
If you are on a budget, you can just use coins.
 
That’s a budget baller. The next step down from this is actually putting your food stamps in your hair.
 
Remember when the mohawk was the sign of punk bad asses?
 
 
Yeah, they ruined that one too.
 
Nothing is less punk rock then someone like Puff Daddy with a mohawk.
 
 
 
So in closing. Black people, I know how you feel. I too had a bad hair day before. However, I never did any of the dumb shit you do. We know your hair didn’t grow 14 inches and turn blonde over night. We know it is fake. And for the love of god, stop doing shit like this.
 
 
Nobody is taking a picture of your head because they like what you have done with your hair. They are taking pictures of you because you look like a fucking ass.
Things black people do
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Things black people steal

Posted by Bastard On May - 29 - 2011

I had a brand new blog of me bitching about some new shit and I was ready to post it. That was until my events of the night took precedent. This is a story worth telling and you know you want to hear it.

Ok, so I made a run to my favorite ghetto Shop N Save to buy some bourbon and Pepsi. It is Memorial weekend, everyone is out of town so the place was pretty much empty. This is a quick in and out process. However, if that was my entire story, it would suck so you know there has to be more. And boy was there.

 So I am in the check out line and I get a text message. While I am responding to the message, out of the corner of my eye I see someone moving very quickly towards me. I look up to see this black kid running full speed at me. Like a dead sprint. I don’t really realize what is going on until he is right next to me and he reaches for my cell phone. I moved out of the way at the last second and he stops and comes back for round two. I am not sure what is going on right now, but he runs back towards me and I grabbed him and like any ex hockey player, I grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head and throw two solid punches into his retarded face.. He weasels out of his shirt and squares off on me like we are going to go toe to toe in an old timey boxing match. I am not a violent person but since I quit playing hockey, I need to get my anger out somehow. This guy just happened to be unlucky enough to pull the asshole Wonka ticket out.

 This might be a good time to point out that I don’t have an I Phone or anything. In fact, my phone was free.This was the phone that he just have to have.

 It works just fine, but not really something that would cause one to must have it. The only reason I would protect my phone is due to the extensive number of pictures of girls boobs. I have a shitload of pictures like this.

 Maybe that is why he wanted it.

 Ok, back to the story. It is just me, the 102 year old clerk, and the fat bitch behind me buying a 24 pack of Mikes hard lemonade. So this is really going to happen. In my mind I just think “Ok, time to beat this skinny prick to death”. So while he is hopping around, calling me names, which I couldn’t understand most of them but “cracka” and “white boy” . He was seriously hopping side to side like some kind of retarded bunny.

The only difference is bunnies are adorable no matter what.

 It is during this time that he neglected looking behind him because the security guard appeared. Not just a security guard. a 6’8 angry Irish security guard. I will even go a step further. A 6’8 Irish security guard that has his face covered in tattoos appears. He just doesn’t appear. He tackles this kid and drives him to the ground like he was Ray Lewis.

 He drags him to the security office and it is pretty much all over. I turn back to the cashier and the 102 year old man just says “Boy, that was exciting. That will be 30.23.” Which means during this altercation, he just continued to do his job. As I am getting ready to leave, the security guard comes to get me to let me know that the kid was planning on pressing charges against me. So I tell my side of the story and he tells his and boy, did our stories differ. My story was very detail oriented with matter of fact speaking. His story was and I hope I get it right “Bitch ass white boy stole my phone and I aint going to be no punk”. They inform me he wasn’t just dumb, but he was also 16. So at least he is on the right track in life.

 He keeps going on and on about me stealing his phone and he is planning on suing everyone because we are being racist. Obviously. Even though he didn’t know what kind of cell phone I had, or the phone number, or the contacts, he stuck by his story that it was in fact his. I take this time to start mocking him for attempting to steal my free cell phone. I will admit that I was taunting him to try to get him to come after me again because I kind of still had the desire to hit him more. He is lucky I don’t have a license to carry concealed because I would have gladly fired a half dozen rounds into his crotch.

 The police arrive and let me go. I have to give a quick statement and I am free to leave. I waited around to see the kid put in the back of the police car. I even waved goodbye to him to let him know that there are no hard feelings. After he is taken away, the big Irish mother fucker goes on to tell me how he is a former IRA member.

 So yeah, he isn’t a guy you wanted to fuck with but watching him bull doze that kid was well worth it. I am glad he was on my side. I just want to point out that I haven’t left my house in 4 days. I was gone for literally 10 minutes in 4 days and this shit happens to me. However, I miss this adrenaline feeling. I really hope people attempt to rob me more often. Oh yeah, I also kept his oversized shirt as a souvenir. So if anyone needs a 12 XL tall tee, contact me.

Things black people do
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