Bastardpiece Theater

Fucking You Publicly Since 2008

Subscribe to Bastardpiece Theater

Archive for November, 2009

Tis the season.

Posted by Bastard On November - 30 - 2009
Ah yes, once again I feel like it is my duty to tell you how much I hate this time of year. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I hate holidays, which I do, but it is more that I hate the hoopla surrounding these days. I just don’t get it. I tend to forge my own holiday traditions and mine are much better. This time of year makes me angry so to cope, I tend to climb into a bottle. Which let me tell you, isn’t a bad way to deal with things.
 
    Let me start by saying that Thanksgiving dinner is highly overrated. Why do we eat turkey? It wasn’t at the first thanksgiving, and it tastes like ass. Not even good ass. Turkey is dry, flavorless and boring. You have to drown it in gravy just to make it edible. Now, I am not knocking gravy. I happen to love gravy. Hell, I like just saying “Gravy”. It sounds sexy. Then you add excitement by side dishes of mashed potatoes, green beans, yams, and dressing. I admit, I like dressing, and I do like sweet potatoes, but the rest of the food is shit. Seriously, a yam? What the fuck am I supposed to do with a yam? I am on a strict diet where I don’t eat anything that is the same color as Kathy Griffen’s hair.
Everyone has that one aunt that brings some orange cream like dessert. Do people really look forward to this meal all year? Christmas has one big advantage here and it is called Ham. Sweet, sexy ham, I think I am getting aroused just thinking about it right now.
 
Look, it even looks like a fat mexican girls vagina. MMMMMMM fat mexican vaginas.
 
    Who made the rule that every place has to be closed on holidays? Even Chinese restaurants close for a non Chinese holiday. Some of us would much rather have some Mongolian Beef then some green beans any day of the week. There are very few places you can count on being opened on Thanksgiving, and Christmas night. Luckily those places are places I like to be. After you do the family thing, I think we all agree that a drink is needed. You want to get out of the house and blow off some steam. You know what, that is hard to do when every fucking place is closed. It is some real bullshit.
 
    Every year it seems to start earlier and earlier. This year it started a couple weeks before November. Next year it will start in September. I am talking about holiday related family programming. My family is especially bad about this kind of shit. They will start with the Christmas programming and watch nothing else for two months. It was nothing but Lifetime and Oxygen network. I am sick of my shows being preempted for family programming. They just keep pumping this shit out. Look, there are only 3 movies you need for the Holidays and yes, they are the best Christmas movies ever. You want to know what they are?
Die Hard. Yes, it is Christmas oriented.
 
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.
 
The Ref. Dennis Leary and Kevin Spacy.
 
Those are the only Christmas movies that you need to watch. Every other network needs to show normal programming during this time of year.
 
    I cant believe all of this talk about Black Friday. I am asked every year, by people who should know better, if I want to go shopping.
Look, there is nothing you need to be getting at 5 A. M, besides gonorrhea. You have a whole group of adults who wake up at 3 A. M, stand in freezing cold weather, then run like fucking retards to go buy crap. Every year there is a story about someone who is killed because they are trampled by fat people trying to save 10 dollars off a flat screen. I don’t have kids, but if I did and he was dying of AIDS, and the only way to save him was for me to attend a black Friday to get the antidote, guess what, that little fucker is as good as dead. I can manage to do all my shopping in a ten minute time span, usually two days before Christmas. It isn’t that tough.
 
    So what do I do on these holidays? I have a little tradition of my own. This year I started drinking about 6 P. M then hit the casino. After a good 6 hour stay at the casino and the winning of about 600 dollars, I head to the strip clubs. Now if you have ever been to a strip club you know that the girls who work Monday and Tuesday are not as good looking as the girls who work Fridays and Saturdays. Imagine the girls who are working at 3 in the morning on fucking Thanksgiving. The good side is these are the girls who will give you a happy ending for an extra 5 dollars. Cant beat those prices. I stay at the strip club until it closes and then if then head home to finish my boozing. What could be a better way to end your night then to have a full stomach, making ridiculous drunken bets and looking at some massive boobs? See, you cant think of one.
 
    When most people think about holidays, they think food, gifts, family. I think of gambling and titties. I might be the only person who gets fully aroused every time they think about Easter. If it wasn’t for my vices helping me through this time of year, I would of hung myself years ago. Yes, I said “hung” and not “hanged”. Hanged still sounds wrong. Speaking of things that sound wrong…. It is Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. If you are offended by the word Christmas, just let me bash your face in with a frozen ham.
    
Life
3 COMMENTS

My plans for the next two weeks.

Posted by Bastard On November - 20 - 2009
One thing about being a bitter old man is that very few things get me excited. I am pretty much iffy with most things. I get excited for the start of baseball and hockey season, but it is a very contained excitement. Knowing this, what I am about to say next could shock you. Lately I have been as giddy as a school girl. Why? The new Twilight movie.
 
    Yes, you heard me correctly. I will admit that I hate going to the theater and I have never actually seen a Twilight movie. Nor have I ever wanted to. Truth be told, I don’t really want to see the current one. Then what could possibly make me so excited. It is this.
 
Yes, the legion of teenaged girls all horned up for some hairy guys with bad teeth. That is right up my alley. Mostly emo girls.
 I do have a thing for those emo girls.
 The great thing about movies of this nature is it turns on a teenager more then getting a car for their 16th birthday.
 
    With this being the case, I figured the fact that I am there should at very least result in a dirty hand job, most likely lubed with the butter from the popcorn. What the hell, I will let some girl with heavy eye make up call me Edward while she is giving me theater head. Theater head is actually the 4th best oral sex you can receive behind, watching sports head, road head, and dressing room head.
 
    I always say that getting ass is all about being at the right place at the right time. Now you know where the place to be is. Also, a little bit of advice is to choose a theater that is known for the young girls. I can name a half dozen in my area. Don’t just show up at any theater at random. You do not want to go to an all black theater. Then again, I don’t think black girls are twilight fans. They seem to be more of a Breakin 2. Electric Boogaloo. Yes, that is a real movie too.
 
    So if you don’t hear from me in the next couple weeks, don’t worry about me. I am not dead. I am just balls deep in a 15 year old chubby girls mouth. Oh did I mention that a lot of their fans are fatties?
 
Small price to pay. Then again, it could be this girl.
 
Either way, I win.
Also, don’t bother asking me what I thought of the movie. I don’t plan on being sober enough to retain any information other then “Did I cum or not”.
Bring on the extra buttery hand jobs.
Life
1 COMMENT

Manning Up

Posted by Bastard On November - 12 - 2009

There are not many things I do that are considered manly. I don’t do manual labor, I squeal like a girl when I am tickled, I say “awwwwwww” every time I see a kitten, I have been known to wear eyeliner. Hell, I refer to my own hands as “paws”. I am quite comfortable in my ways but it isn’t often I can take credit for doing something manly. When I do, I have to put it on display. Much like the man-sandwich I made, I will start posting pictures of my manliness. Yes, possibly my penis too.

I had to do my weekly grocery shopping and I purchased 10 items. Can you guess what 10 items I needed to make it through the week? What would a man need to live on? I was nice enough to take a picture for you.

 

Why yes, that is 5 two liters of Pepsi and 5 bottles of vodka. And yes, that is all I bought. And yes, that is my fluffy purple pillow. Who is the man now?

manliness
2 COMMENTS

Rabbit Punches

Posted by Bastard On November - 5 - 2009
So a lot of people ask me why I have this web site. I mean, I don’t seek fame or notoriety or things of that nature. The truth of the matter is that since I am not a homo and don’t need a therapist, this serves as a therapy of sorts. I am able to let all my filthy demons at of the bag. Also, anyone reading this is just as guilty as I am for my actions, nobody can sit in judgement of me. And yes, if you listen to my stories, that makes you an accomplice. Today I am telling you a story that I have only told one other person. For this story, I must take you back.
 
    It was 1999 and while the world was caught up in Y2K hysteria, and the worst band ever, LFO.
 I was in college. I was just coming out of a 3 year relationship and sewing some wild oats. Which now that I write “sewing wild oats”, it makes me think that it is a retarded term. Anyhow, the girl that I dated for three long years had a very healthy sexual appetite, but was horrible in bed. There is a cute trick to play on a young lad like myself. I was going out and seeing the world. By world I of course mean random vaginas. I was also still pretty new to this whole fad called the Internet, so I was learning quickly. I was just a wide eyed boy of wonder who was about to learn more then he really was prepared for.
 
    One of the people I met during this time was a lady who sat next to me in my marketing class. I said lady because she was 37. So she was the old bitch in the class. She was pretty cool though, always cracking jokes about the same people I did. We always talked and eventually exchanged numbers and e mail addresses. We started e mailing back and forth and it wasn’t long after the semester ended when she decided to share some of her special pictures with me. Now, this was when digital cameras were not very common so the pictures that she sent were so big that I could scroll down for 5 minutes and not be done seeing labia. That is a big snatch.
 
    Naturally she ended up offering to show me in public and as a naive 20 year old, I of course had to jump at the chance. We ended up hooking up several times over the course of the next couple months and let me say, it was perfect. I would either get an e mail or a phone call with something romantic like “come over”, and I would go. She would have the lights off, usually at least partially naked and we would go to her room. There was no talking or foreplay. I even wore my Addias tear away pants just to make the process go much smoother.
 There was no problem with me leaving right after either. Everything was going good for awhile, even though one of her kids caught us fucking at least a half dozen times. She was such a good mother, she would put him back to bed, then go finish off the man who was in her bed. That would be me. Now, I know you are thinking that this sounds good, so why did it all end? It all took one night. The night that changed it all.
 
    It was a night like any other when I went over to her house, lights out, straight to her room for the main event. She starts with going down on me. Now, with my previous girlfriend, in 3 years, she went down on me once, and it was horrible. Yes girls, you can and most likely are terrible at it. Don’t tell me that guys tell you that you are good. 98 percent of girls are absolutely atrocious at giving head. This lady wasn’t particularly outstanding, but like I explained about the previous 3 years, I was loving it. Now I am going to ask you to use your imagination on parts of this in order to get the full visual effect.
We are in a partial 69. She is going down on me and her legs are just to the side of my head. I am not a jerk, I am playing good old stink finger with her. Hey, I am a giver, what can I say. She is really getting into it, and she demands that I use more then one finger, which is fine because she is old, had kids, she needs a little more. I understand. She still demands more and more. She eventually lays spread eagle on the bed and suggests that I use my whole hand.
 
    Yeah, my whole hand. Now I have seen pictures of fisting on the Internet, but I just assumed it was some weird shit that only Asians do. I don’t know why, but I figured why not. I slowly move up to 3, 4 and then 5 fingers. Pretty soon, my entire hand, past my wrist is in. I even made this diagram for you.
Yes, I even gave myself a black hand.
  I was getting frustrated because she seemed to demand more and more. I wish I could of seen my expression at this time because I know my face would of been that of wide eyed amazement. She keeps demanding more and more and even suggests a second hand. This is more of a science experiment then anything at this time. I didn’t figure that you could ever fit a second hand in, but I was proven wrong.
 
    Now, here I am throwing rabbit punches directly into cervix. This is no joke.
 By no means was this a comfortable position. Here I am, basically wearing vagina handcuffs. I was waiting for someone to come in and rob me. It would of been a great plan. Now, she seems to really be into this. She seems to be enjoying this, and what the hell, I am watching this in the same way a farm boy first looks at the Empire State Building.
 
     She does get off, and when she did, she tightened those vaginal muscles with the force a freight train. I thought she was going to break my fucking wrists. So she is laying there, spent, and I am laying down like a Chinese fucking acrobat, with two fists inside of one vagina. It actually takes a good 5 minutes of straining and pain before I finally freed my hands. I am just thankful we didn’t have to call an ambulance.
 
    She wasn’t done. She still wanted to have sex after this. Now, I don’t care how big you think you are, you can not follow two fists. This is what I am pretty much having to deal with.
 
    Truth be told, I wasn’t even in the mood to finish. I still did, but it was strictly as a courtesy for her. There is a point where a vagina is just destroyed, and I am sure she was at that point. Needless to say, I never really had the desire to have sex with her again. But once again, I still did it a couple more times.
 
    Now, if that didn’t make me stop seeing her, what finally did it. I don’t know if it was her wanting multiple guys on her at once, me being one of the sausages at the party, or if it was her numerous e mails suggesting golden showers. I have peed many places, and on many things, but I was not ready to pee on her. Now, if she were to ask me today, I would happily oblige, but that is because any innocence I had is long gone. If you are out there Alicia, yes, that is her real name, then I want you to know that you turned that sweet innocent boy into this guy.
I hope you are happy with yourself.
Sex
7 COMMENTS

Warning: include(/home/content/a/n/t/antigov84/html/wp-content/themes/pepper/sponsors.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/a/n/t/antigov84/html/wp-content/themes/pepper/sidebar.php on line 5

Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/content/a/n/t/antigov84/html/wp-content/themes/pepper/sponsors.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php5/lib/php') in /home/content/a/n/t/antigov84/html/wp-content/themes/pepper/sidebar.php on line 5