Bastardpiece Theater

I have had a very exciting week. I am house sitting and there was a close police stand off, but that is going to take awhile to tell, so I will write about that this weekend. I am putting almost zero effort into this so don’t expect my normally bubbly personality to come through.

I just wanted to do a quick update. I spent last weekend with one of my friends. We went to a house party filled with dirty hippies and we went to the strip club. I am not going to go too in depth with the story because unlike me, he still has a future.

Lets talk about choices we make. In the spur of the moment, when everything in your body is shouting “don’t”……

So we go to the strip club and I am getting a lap dance from the same stripper from the bachelor party weekend, which is amazing because I have never seen the same strippers there twice. I just kind of figured they over dose on a weekly basis. So it was weird seeing her again but she obviously did not remember me, or sucking me off in her shitty purple car. So that is a good thing. However, she did finally open up and admit that she is a fan of heroin after I noticed the extreme track marks on her arm. Now this is where my questionable decision making happens. I made two really questionable choices…

1-When a stripper attempts to put a pill in your mouth, just let her do it.

2-I somehow let the stripper make out with me, which looking back might have been a mistake.

Now these are two decisions most people would never make, but I did. I am not sure why. However, they both seemed to work out for me.

I have no idea what pill she gave me, but I am sure it was just a vitamin or something. I didn’t wake up raped in alley or anything so hey, it couldn’t have been that bad.

I don’t kiss girls that I have sex with and kissing a stripper is usually ill advised. However, she was very persuasive and my hand was inside her vagina, so it was the least I could do.

So these are the things I do when I have a bottle of cheap bourbon flowing through my veins. I know most people would avoid doing such things, but this is why my life is a lot more fun than yours.

On a parting note, I think I drank a whole bottle of Listerine when I got home but I regret nothing.

People always wonder how in the world I am not dead yet, and to be honest, I do not have a clue, but I did have a near death experience this weekend. I almost died in the greatest way possible.

Friday night I was at the casino doing my drinking and roulette thing (Yes, I know they have the worst odds but it is so god damn exciting). Besides, the casinos have special liquor rules where they can sell until 4 am. So it is perfect for someone like me that likes to drink until the sun comes up.

While I was on a pretty good hot streak, I hear someone calling my name. I usually ignore such things but when someone is standing behind you, screaming your name, it becomes hard to ignore. So I was pretty much forced to acknowledge this person. I turn around and I get a giant hug and the dreaded question, “Remember me?”. I will admit, I had no idea who this was, but that is not totally uncommon for me. I never recognizes faces. As it turns out, it was a lady I went on a date with when I was 18. I say “lady” because she was like 10 years older than me back then, so I assume she is 10 years older than me now.
I remember she was so hot back then and I always regretted not having sex with her, but she was still hot. She has a real Joan Jett quality about her.

I love hot 80′s broads. So I would usually warn you to never engage these people but she was hot, I was drunk and I was winning money, so it is ok for me to be a hypocrite.

Now I hang out with her for a couple hours while we both get insanely boozed up and come about 4 am, I decide to go. She walked with me and ending up going down on me in the parking lot. Which was great because it was like homeless sex and come on, who doesn’t love homeless sex?. That is not how I almost died, but it is pertinent to the story.

Saturday I get a call from this girl. I must have really liked her if I gave her my phone number. I either liked her or I was so drunk I don’t remember the real reason. She said that she had fun last night and that she wanted to know if I wanted to go back to the casino after the reception and drink more with her. They were all staying in the hotel, so they don’t have to worry about driving. I was pretty hung over but as we all know, the best hang over cure is clear alcohol. Ok, so I just made that up. However, if I can get drunk again, I can put the hangover off for another day.

Now I know that we are going to most likely going to finally have drunken sex so I pop a couple of Vicodin and suck it up like a man. From 10 pm until 4 am, we drink pretty hard core. I was ordering 4 drinks at a time just so I wouldn’t have to wait. This was one of those places where the bar tenders flip the fucking bottles. Like they just cant pour the fucking drink. I don’t need a show. They do last call and we decide to go to her hotel room and come on, we all know where this is going.

We go to her room and continue drinking the nasty cheap champagne and wine that was left over from the wedding party. But lets be honest, after hours of drinking cheap bourbon and vodka, I cant really taste anything at this point. Now I will get to the good stuff.

We are messing around and she was not shy at all. She wanted me to return the favor from the night before. I am a gentleman and this is the least I could do. Besides, they always say you should eat something when you drink… right? She was actually very well kept for a broad in her 40′s. Great body and an undamaged vagina, which is always rare.

I cant tell you how long I was down there. It had to be awhile but she seems to really be into it because she is scratching the shit out of my neck and back. Without warning, she unleashes what could only be describes as a geyser full of ejaculate. Yes Virginia, there are squirters!

Now, this being my first chance to experience this, but this is kind of like the Holy Grail. The stuff of legends. We have all seen the porn with it and there are a lot of conspiracy theorists about them being fake. I can tell you they are real.

Now, I am not one to complain, but me being a gentleman, I always give a girl a heads up before I finish in their mouth. It is just the polite thing to do. Now, I would think girls would have the same courtesy but they don’t. There is one other thing they don’t warn you. When it starts, it doesn’t stop. It is not a one and done type of thing. It just keeps flowing.

This is a problem because without warning, you are getting a gallon of ejaculate shot into the back of your throat. Girls no longer have a right to complain about this. Also, it is not a controlled burst. It reminded me of this little outdoor toy from the 80′s.

You will never look at one of those the same way again.
It is hitting me in the face, in my hair, over my shoulder. It was seriously amazing that the human body could expel this amount of liquid.

When you are not ready for it, and suddenly 4 gallons of water shoot down your gullet, you start to see your life flash before your eyes. Now, even though I am basically being water boarded by a vagina, she seems to be indifferent to my suffering. She was not going to let me up for air. I think I even admitted to knowing where Bin Laden was while gasping for air.

Now they say there is no concept of time in space but I think that might be also true to a 43 year olds vagina too. I cannot tell you if I was down there for 20 minutes or 3 hours. I also do not know how much damage can be done to the human brain due to lack of oxygen, but I think there was some damage done. It was either that or the dangerous amounts of drugs and alcohol in my system.

We go on and have sex and it was outstanding, but that is kind of a foot note. It was 10 years too late but needed to be done. Afterwards I light up a cigarette and sit back and assess the damage. The whole room looked like New Orleans post Katrina. Well, without the black people looting. There wasn’t a wet spot in the bed as much as there was an Olympic sized swimming pool gathered in the middle. There is seriously water splatter every where I looked. That poor Mexican maid is going to have her work cut out for her in the morning.

I rush home so I can take the hottest shower possible, While I was in there I start thinking about what if I would have died. How great would the eulogy be? “Well, he lived for and died because of vaginas”. When I do die, I hope it is in that way.

I would suggest that if anyone knows a girl with this talent, try it for yourself. It was seriously better than any water park and I got to check another thing off my fuck-it list.

I know the past couple of months I have been slacking quite a bit. I have a good excuse though. Besides work meetings and holiday stuff, I was forced to join a cult. I hope you have some time to hear my story of cult life because this could take awhile.

It all started innocently enough with me realizing that my license expired about 4 years ago. My license was valid for 8 years so I never thought about renewing it. I haven’t been pulled over in like 5 years, otherwise I would have known it was expired. Basically, it is everyone else’s fault but mine. Even though it was everyone else’s fault. I was still to be punished.

One day in November, I woke up kind of early-ish, by early-ish I mean before 4 P. M, and I wasn’t hung over, which is a big thing. So I decided to renew my license and be somewhat legal. So I go to the DMV to get a new license and they inform me that it isn’t that easy anymore. I will need to take the test again. No big deal. The big deal is that because of my 200 plus speeding tickets (mostly from the age of 17-20), and my one D.U.I in 05 .Yes, I know I know, I was an idiot one night. I got drunk and picked up some girl from a bar and we went back to her house, I actually got pulled over in her god damn drive way. I went from getting drunken ass to being a drunken ass. Anyhow, because of this stuff, I have to take classes.

They tell me I have to take a defensive driving class, which wasn’t too horrible. Just 2 hours of people talking about the dangers of speeding, driving too slow, alcohol, talking on the phone and even road head. Yeah, a lady spoke for 20 minutes about the dangers of being sucked off while driving. It was a waste of an evening but at least I got it done. The alcohol and drug class was a different story.

I show up for the first class and it is more of an evaluation. I had to take one of those tests that jobs like to give. You know, they ask you the same loaded question in various ways to catch you lying. After the test, I turn it in and the fat bastard informs me that in his professional opinion, I am required to take a special class. When I asked what his qualifications were for this special opinion, he told me he has been doing this for over a year and I could “suck his fucking dick if you don’t like what I have to say”. Aside from that and his various prison style tattoos, he was quite professional. He continues to inform me that these special classes will cost 1200 dollars. It is funny how that worked out in their favor. He also lets me know that I am required to attend 3 A.A meetings. On top of that, I am not allowed to drink (During this time, there was a the infamous bachelor party, and we all know what happened then. Also, there was the wedding, and I am not doing that sober), take pain killers (I take them for pain, not just for recreation. Sure, they are fun, but mostly for pain), take sleeping pills (I haven’t gone without sleeping pills in like 7 years, so this will be tough).I take these rules as more of a friendly suggestion. None of them were actually obeyed. What were the classes like?

Well, I assumed much like the defensive driving class, it would be a one time thing. I was very wrong. The classes were two days a week, for 4 hours a day, and one day a week I had to go in to speak to a “consoler” who would evaluate my progress. The classes lasted for 6 weeks, which seems like a bit of overkill. These classes consisted of several black guys, which is good because black people love me, and couple of haggard broads, and myself. Each class has an instructor to fill us with useful information.

The first two classes were so miserable that I was almost driven to violence. So I spent most of my time just texting random girls. I don’t need help but I am not going to be the type that ruins it for people who actually want help, so I remain silent at first. Normally I would bring myself a tasty adult beverage but we had to take a breathalyzer to enter class. This is where it is so great that I am creative. I found that instead of alcohol, if I took a couple bars of Xanax and a couple Vicodin, that it made the time so much more entertaining. So instead of just sitting there stewing in my bile of hatred, I just comically pointed out their bullshit “facts”….. What kind of bullshit facts? Well, these are some of them,

- Alcoholism is a disease. Of course this is bullshit but it is interesting where it came from. It was actually one of our founding fathers who started this horrible myth. He also believed that dishonesty, political dissent and being black were also diseases. I am not making that up.

-Bulgaria is no longer a country, but when it was, it and El Salvador punished drunk drivers by firing squad. Bulgaria is still very much a country and neither that or El Salvador even have a death penalty. El Salvador doesn’t even have a fucking army.

- A drunk driver kills someone every 35 seconds in the United States. Really? Nobody wanted to fact check that? That would mean that 1.5 million people are killed each year. That is slightly higher then the 46,000 estimated deaths in car accidents that the Highway department claims.

- Alcohol permanently changes your DNA. Yes, they believe that if you drink 1 drink, it will alter your DNA forever. Pretty much making every distant relative a drunk or drug addict.

- You do not need to drink or ever drink to be considered an alcoholic, but if you have consumed 5 ounces of alcohol in your life, you are an alcoholic.

- The words “Figuratively” and “Literally” are interchangeable and should be used in every sentence in order to drive home your point.

- Famous people who have died from drugs and alcohol include Richard Lewis and Robin Williams. Technically, neither one of them are dead, but why would that get in the way of facts,

- There is never a time where air quotes are not needed. Use them early and use them often

- Black people can not pronounce the word “Heroin”. They instead say “Hurrrrrr Ron”. The instructor didn’t tell us this, it is just one of the things I picked up on.

So every time the instructor says something ridiculous like this, I felt it was in the best interest of everyone to correct her, and then ridicule her it. However, my information was met with challenges for me to prove them. Isn’t it amazing that when someone tries to spout a fact, and you correct them, you have to prove your facts, and they are never obligated to? So I did. I would come into every class with 20 pages of information. I collected them from multiple places but they were of course not to be believed. Apparently I am a shill. Most of their misinformation comes directly from M.A.D.D which is one of the worst organizations ever. They admit that they make up facts, but it is ok because they hide behind victims families. That is a different rant for a different day though. I will try to stay focused for the time being.

Made up facts cant fill 4 hours, so we watched movies. Very important movies like, When Harry Met Sally, When a Man loves a Woman, and He’s Just Not that Into You. Cinematic masterpieces to be sure. However, we were required to take notes during the movies. We then have to analyze what the fictitious characters were thinking, doing, their state of mind, and even had to evaluate the people in the background. What they were possibly talking about, doing, drinking. I am sure this is what the director had in mind while making the movie.

What did I do instead of taking notes? Well I drew kitties.

Hitler Kitten

Asian Pearl Harbor Kitty

Wild West Kitty

And Russian Kitty

Obviously my time was well spent.

I was also required to do homework. They would give us packets of information and we were required to read through them and then be tested on them. I admit I never read any of them. I figure they couldn’t fail me and I have bullshitted my way through most of life, one more thing couldn’t hurt. It worked.

One thing they kept trying to do was to make me make promises. Like if I ever drink to excess, I will quit drinking the next day and seek treatment. Really? Everything I do, I do to excess. That is what makes life fun. Also, they tried to get all of us to sign a statement saying we will never have sex with a drunk person because they might regret it the next day. There is no fucking way I am signing that. Not even to humor some do good asshole. I revel in the fact that I am someone’s drunken mistake. Not to mention, the general consensus is I was at least a good mistake. If it wasn’t for drunk girls, I wouldn’t be able to bring you stories like these

http://bastardpiecetheater.com/rabbit-punches

http://bastardpiecetheater.com/bad-choices

http://bastardpiecetheater.com/the-filthiest-girl-ever

http://bastardpiecetheater.com/the-second-dirtiest-girl-ever

Now those were fun times.

What is the point to life if shit like that cant happen at any point in time?

I wrapped up my classes and I attended the A.A meetings. I just sat and listened to everyone tell their story. I refused to speak. These are the things I learned from A.A

- Ex-Drunks love coffee. They drank several pots per hour. It is amazing.

- Ex-Drunks love Jesus. I don’t care if you are religious or not. Those people are very big fans of Jesus.

- Ex-Drunks are insanely friendly and way too positive. Kind of creepy.

- Ex- Drunk broads are annoying. They wont let you bang them but everyone else got to. Stay away from them.

- I am in no way an addict.

People say I am in denial because of that last statement, but it is true. I enjoy booze. I don’t feel bad about it. I am good to my vices and my vices are good to me. These people were beating their wives and children, one guy talked about waking up in the street with people peeing on him. That is a problem. I am just awesome. Try not to confuse the two.

Everything is finally done. However, the main thing I learned from all of this is that I was better of just driving on an expired license then having to go through all this shit. I learned my lesson. Conclusion- Worst cult ever!